Coffee? 

Sadly, I came to the grievous conclusion that S is an intelligent fool, by the Biblical understanding of those two descriptors. He’s very smart; very capable; has done loads of independent studying and self-improvement; he’s shrewd. Yet he is also a fool. He says in his heart, “There is no God,” and goes on his merry way. 

After about a year of coffee dates, he shared a book with me that he’d found interesting - Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. I began reading it, took the quiz, looked at the ‘partner quiz’ and wasn’t surprised to find out that of the three attachment styles described in the book, his was Secure, while mine was Anxious. When I collected the borrowed books to return, I found a quote I’d copied when reading pertaining to the Anxious attachment style:  “If you wait… before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have the uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself (page 80).”

Since I was not the one running away, it caused me to deeply consider if perhaps S was more Avoidant or Anxious than he wanted to admit, and passing himself off as Secure was a safer way to be perceived. My ex-husband also had a persona that he displayed for everyone outside of our nuclear family. This became the source of many, many questions as to why our marriage had imploded when to most people we looked like a ‘perfect couple’ with a perfect family.

Now back to the key transactional conversation:  in case you don’t remember, it was along the lines of, “Sure, I’ll come to church on Christmas Eve if you come to a New Year’s Eve event with me.” It had been sitting wrongly with me, and when I shared it with my son, he named it for me:  TRANSACTIONAL. Of course! This was why it felt so familiar and icky. He suggested I send a text saying that once I got home, I was reminded by him of a previous New Years Eve commitment. “You watch, Mom. S will totally back off and say he won’t come to church and won’t ask you to do anything for New Years.”

I sent the text. S replied with a generic hope-you-have-a-lovely-holiday-and-I’ll-catch-you-later.

My son was 100% correct.

Shortly after this texting exchange came the mistletoe fiasco. As I pondered the potential outcomes (an involuntary reaction when there’s abuse), I stood in awe of the God who granted so much wisdom and discernment to my son. He’s all of 21 years old, and has relational insights beyond his years. Once more I want to bear witness to El-Roi, the God who sees me - who sees you - who guides my steps if I’ll let him. If I’ll ask, seek, and wait. The waiting is the hard part but the joy of seeing Him guide is incomparable and oh, so worth every moment of waiting.