“Would you like to meet for coffee?”

Innocent inquiry, in and of itself. But it led to quite a lot of self-discovery and revelation about healing, growth, safety, and trusting my gut.

S and I had been co-workers who enjoyed drinking tea in an office full of coffee addicts. I had been let go from our mutual employer due to staff reduction, and was a little surprised at the invitation but thought it would be nice to engage with a man near my own age for conversation. So I said yes. 

What followed was about a dozen ‘coffee dates’ spread out over the course of 18 months. Frequently S would offer me a ’token’ of sorts, like a lapel pin or a printed photo he’d created or sourced online. Most of the time these made me laugh, but occasionally I felt hesitation in my gut. Initially I dismissed the hesitation, attributing it to the after-affects of an abusive marriage and difficult divorce. 

During one coffee date, he invited me to go on an ‘adventure’ Saturday mid-morning. “You drive, and I’ll buy lunch.” Sounded reasonable and as our coffee conversations had been engaging, I said yes. It was an enjoyable adventure; I love books, and he knew about a bookstore I’d never heard of. We spent a decent amount of time there, found some (used) books, and grabbed lunch. Overall, a satisfying Saturday.

After a few months of ‘Saturday Adventures’ I realized something shocking about myself: I had a false sense of security around him because I was doing the driving. The awareness that there was no way I would’ve gotten into a car to go with him on any of the adventures if he’d been driving stopped me in my tracks.

Hmm. 

Recently divorced, I wasn’t (and still am not) eager to jump into anything more serious than a good friendship. For accountability (and sanity) I made sure to communicate with my counselor during our weekly visits about these adventures and coffee dates. His feedback honestly surprised me: if S is truly so kind and generous to you, enjoy it. You have time. Don’t feel rushed; express you value S’s friendship and set some boundaries. My counselor also asked if I was attracted to S. As a friend, sure. As a life partner? No. Too many critical areas where we didn’t agree (i.e., salvation being found in Jesus only).

We had many great discussions about family, culture, travel, literature, work, personal growth, etc. At one point S asked me if I was opposed to physical touch, since I flinched on occasion when he would move quickly or move toward me. No, it’s just part of my story is physical abuse, and I need time to feel safe. “How much time? How long have we known each other?” This raised a red flag for me: I didn’t know why, but my body didn’t trust him. I told him that I had no trouble hugging men whom I’d know for a while… and as I considered it, I realized the men I was thinking of I’d known for more than five years. Or possibly even ten years. 

Oh. 

I began to question if I was just paranoid. Meanwhile, my 21 year old son had been asking his own questions and offering commentary: Has he expressed interest in meeting me, your son? What are his intentions toward you? I don’t like how he wrote this email/text or expressed himself in that conversation you’ve relayed to me. 

Huh. Maybe I’m not paranoid. As time went on, this proved to be very true. I was not paranoid. I was learning to listen to my gut, and my gut sensed something was off.

...to be continued in part 2 of Coffee?

Coffee?