While still working together, I had noticed reluctance on his part to share any real details about himself. Over coffee, it seemed that every time I tried to find out more about the person behind the office persona, the conversation would shift or the question would be deflected. My spirit was unsettled but I continued to try and give S the chance to open up to me as a friend. That sense of unease surrounding his background, history, or life experience was soothed a little when on a longer walk one day, S shared about spending time in a dangerous foreign country as a child. I learned some about him, but was very curious to know more. I’d been feeling for quite a while that he knew disproportionately more about me than I knew about him. Both of his parents deceased; any siblings in other countries, busy with their families; no visits to family, only sporadically to see school friends. My unease grew when he started asking me pointed questions about things I’d posted on my mentoring website. What was written there was not intended for male consumption - especially not a male who doesn’t seem able to share from his heart.
The red warning flags continued to flutter more rapidly and grow in quantity. One email that I added to the list of disturbing exchanges was the day I got a ‘Google Earth’ screen capture of the office building where I work. I’d been vague about the exact location, but he knew my current employer. The image he sent over was of a vehicle parked by the correct building. It was similar make, model, and color to mine, but not my vehicle, as I don’t park in that particular lot. I don’t remember the exact comment, but it was something about, “That’s yours, right?” I felt extremely unsettled by this near-stalker-ish communication.
As a way to ‘get to know more about each other’ he initiated in-depth questions over email, where the idea was to take your time answering the question and then respond with a completely different question for the receiver to answer. Sounded pretty good; I quickly discovered that I didn’t ask as deep of questions as he did, much to my chagrin. Or perhaps it would be better stated that he answered more shallowly than I’d hoped. However, I began to notice a pattern: much of his answer was couched in terms of ‘this people group believes this way, that one another way…’ and he didn’t seem to really have any convictions.
Fascinating.
As those conversations continued, I came to see that science and logic are his gods, not the relational God of the Bible by whom I am fully known and loved. In fact, there was quite a bit of dismissal any time I mentioned God or church or conviction. Yet another red flag.
We continued to go on ‘adventures’ during the summer and fall, before the weather turned into something where you just want to hibernate. I was continuing to play chauffeur for his local travel agenda; fast-forward to December and the anticipation of holiday celebrations. There was a disjointed conversation about attending Christmas Eve service where S initially dismissed it out of hand, then reconsidered and said he’d come to my church’s Christmas Eve service if I did something with him on New Year’s Eve.
Red alert! This is the perfect example of a transactional conversation. We’ll come back to it later, but my son called it out for what it was and helped me see it clearly. I’m so grateful!
Remember those ‘tangible tokens’ after a meet-up? There came the day where he handed me a cartoonish photo representation of mistletoe as he was departing the car.
What?
My brain made up all sorts of possibilities for meaning behind that one. My danger sense was off the charts. I prayed about how best to address this photo; there had been a few conversations or deeper emails where questions had been sent back and forth and I’d thought I’d communicated that I simply wanted a friend, but this particular photo would indicate he’d missed that. Or in my son’s observation of what S might be thinking as a man engaging with a woman, ‘I can work around that.’
I sent the following via email: What message are you trying to communicate? I can come up with a couple different interpretations. But I want to know what you are saying, not what I'm hypothesizing.”
Sounded like a reasonable, unthreatening email to receive, right? Apparently not, as his response would prove.
To be continued in Coffee? part 3
