Coffee? part 3

S’s reply, edited for clarity: “Oh, it’s mistletoe. I printed it in case they were missing from your company party.” (Note: he’d been unable to come as my guest for the party due to illness.)

My response: I figured out it was mistletoe… To be clear:  I’m not looking for a serious relationship. Kissing falls under serious for me. I’m looking for a friend. Do you need to reconsider the invitation you extended to me for your company party?

His final communication (again edited):

Understood. Unfortunately, if you accompany me to my company party, lots of employees will automatically assume some relationship between us. Thus, it is better for all concerned that you not attend as my guest.

When convenient, in the next couple of weeks, please pack my loaned-to-you books in a small box and have it dropped off at the office door at the top of the stairs at the back of the building.

This email should also serve as an ending of our direct interaction and communication.

Please do NOT call.

Please do NOT email me ever again.

Please do NOT text me ever again.

What?! Are you feeling what I was feeling?

Blindsided would be pretty accurate. As I began reading his response, I was nodding my head, “Oh, good! He understands… Well, that’s a little lame - all it would take would be to simply tell people we’re just here as friends - I’ve done it before and had a blast… Wait - WHAT?! He’s asking me to do what? He’s killing all communication, all friendship? What in the world?” Deeply crushed, admittedly I shed a few tears even while realizing that truly this was God’s best. I had been asking Him to give me clear direction - and this was crystal clear.

I believe I dodged a bullet. I believe this was God’s gracious hand of protection over me. By shutting down all communication, all interaction, I was protected from any sort of compromising situation. Yet I questioned what was wrong with me - here is another man who decided I wasn’t worth much to him. It reopened the wound surrounding my value, of how I perceive myself and what I contribute to those around me. 

Gently, God reminded me that He sees me as worth so much, having such deep value to Him, that he withdrew me from a questionable situation. Sure, S is the one who told me to never contact him again, but it was God who orchestrated my steps. And S’s, whether he is willing to acknowledge it or not. 

As to the instructions about returning the borrowed books, I wrestled with God over following the instructions I was given. The books would’ve been left out in the rain and I could easily have been spotted on the outside stairs through the walls of glass by other co-workers, which would in turn, raise other, even more awkward questions. It was out of the question in my mind to return them after hours (it gets dark around 3:30 pm in December) or on the weekend when no one else would be around. I ended up enclosing the books in a large envelope, scrawled his name on the outside, and left them in the entry foyer of the building, at the base of the interior stairwell. I’ve no idea if he received them, but I left them in as safe a place as I could for return that didn’t make for uncomfortable conversation in the process.

To be concluded in Coffee? part 4